Q. Hi Brent.  well i read you story in the Kurfew Junior web page and it was a  real inspiration.  I wanted to know about any events or activities that you might know of that are suitable for young gays under 18, cause im only 16 and there really isn't anything for people under 18 to do. I have only come out to one person so far, and he is really the only gay person that I know.  I'm 
dying to meet other people like me, who understand what IM going through.  But that's hard being that IM still so young.  So if you do know of any  events and stuff in new York (I live in the Bronx) I would really appreciate any information.  Thank you for your time
- Jaime

A.  Hello, Jaime. Thank you for writing in. I asked a friend of mine at our local Westchester community gay lesbian and bisexual youth center, and was able to find the following: "Bronx Pride" (718) 670-3396.  According to the description given to me by Jill from the Westchester LOFT (thanks Jill!), it is a "Multicultural organization for celebration and development of the cultural, political and social consciousness of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered communities in the Bronx.  The general meetings are on the 2nd Wednesday of every month. I am not sure if this is a youth group, however, but IM sure they would let you sit in on it anyway! I've sat in on adult lectures before. They can be fun. I hope this information is helpful. I have been really busy, because I recently graduated from high school. Ill be moving to NYC in August, and hopefully get the time to be able to come to Kurfew. Keep writing in questions to brent@kurfew.com, id love to hear from all of you out there.
 -Brent

Q. I'm Christian and I have been told that being gay is a sin. Am I supposed to repress my true self to be a good person?

A. First of all, there is something which you have to learn. Being gay is not a sin. It is a natural thing, just like being bisexual or straight. In nature, there are variants on everything.  Just as there are varieties of dogs (i.e poodles, beagles) or people (i. e. black, white ) there are many varieties of human sexuality. The hardest thing that you will probably ever face is your choice to freely and openly express yourself. I will say this one thing from my personal experience - I am a lot happier being out than not being out. My life has changed totally. Now, I am able to concentrate on other things such as growing up and living a totally better quality of life. As for the religious aspect of being gay, I don't understand how anyone can encompass that idea into a religion - the two are separate entities. If being gay was "wrong," then why would gay people be on earth? Would God create something which goes against his own beliefs? Perhaps in time the religious zealots will cease using the bible to destroy people's lives, perhaps in the same way that they eventually came to cease using the bible to justify slavery and suppression of women's rights.  If you would like more information about this topic, I suggest you check out www.religioustolerance.org . They have a whole website dedicated to this topic. But I wouldn't personally repress your feelings. You'll begin the process of feeling better if you just acknowledge the feelings that are part of you!

Q. There is this guy at my school, and I think he is gay. How can I be sure?

A. Well, unless he tells you, you cant really *ever* be sure... but here are some pointers I can give you, being that I have exceptional Gaydar and I often tell people how to use theirs. First, what kind of signals do you get from this person? The vibe is very important. Have you ever randomly thought that someone is gay, but had no way to prove this? Chances are, you are right. It's your Gaydar working. I was able to use this method to sniff out two guys that a girlfriend of mine was dating. (One of whom I made out with but that is a TOTALLY different story). Second, see if they are uncomfortable around you. One of the ways which you can test the waters, is to approach this person when they are around friends, and then approach them when they aren't. If they act differently, you may have something. Go with your instinct. Another thing which a friend told me about was that he could always tell a gay guy by the fact that they have extra twinkly eyes. While IM not sure how that one works, it can't hurt to guess about that either. I suppose that all in all, you will never know unless that person either comes out.

Editor's Note: My favorite thing to look for when I was in college, was left-handedness...there seems to be a remarkably higher percentage of left-handed people who are either gay or bisexual...I estimate approximately 40%, versus only 8 to 10% of right-handed people.  I've also noticed that a lot of gay students don't really follow sports...this may be related to the types of people that I hung out with, and quite frankly, don't like the idea of such stereotyping, but it's just another piece of information to ponder.  There are certainly many sport fanatics and jocks who are gay, and the fact that they don't fit these stereotypes makes it ever harder for them to be "discovered" and consequently harder for them to deal with their sexuality.  The third is appearance...once again, gay boys seem to be a lot more likely and willing to spend time on their hair, clothes, etc. than are straight boys. Once again, there are exceptions.  So what's a boy to do???  The best way to find out if someone you like is gay, is to befriend him first.  Spend time with him, get to know him well. Sooner or later, things will either reveal themselves or they won't. You'll notice whether he checks out the girls, or not; whether he likes to be in close contact with you or not; and ultimately you'll be comfortable enough to reveal or suggest your own sexual identity to your friend, and hopefully he will tell you more about himself.  At that point, he may (a) not want to be your friend because you're gay [unlikely, but if so, who needs him anyway], (b) remain your friend, or become a closer friend but assure you that he's straight, (c) tell you he's gay too, but that you're not his type/he has a boyfriend/he's not looking for anything (so close!!!), (d) tell you that he's gay, and that he likes you, (e) [best of all] gives you a kiss and then ???.  As with heterosexual relationships, friendship is the best starting point.

Q. Where can I go to meet other people my age? I really need someone to talk to.

Meeting someone, either for a relationship or just as a friend is totally hard to do. Gay people tend to always look at friends as potential dates (at least I do) so we tend to limit ourselves to our basic equals. Personally, I suggest that you hop into a youth gay chat room one night and first make some internet friends. Internet friends are INVALUABLE to talk to. You don't have to actually face that person, or even talk to them. Its all typing, and thus its MUCH easier. Once you have  made a few Internet friends, I would suggest that you take the next step, which is actually going out and meeting people just like you. Check your phone book, or search the web. If you live in an urban area, there has to be PLENTY of places where you can go, such as support groups, meetings, etc. (Check the Kurfew links page for some suggestions.) This is a great way to both make friends to talk to and also meet potential dates. Oh, if you don't live in an urban area, chances are that you won't find anything helpful. I suggest then, you skip step two and deal with Internet friends for the time being. They can be there just like a real life friend. :) Oh, another quick thing. Most schools have a psychiatrist which you can go and talk to on your lunch period. This can be VERY helpful as well and nowadays (with the exception of religious schools) they're usually quite willing and able to help.

Q. Someone at school is harassing me, and calling me names. What do I do?

A. I am sure that every gay boy goes through this at LEAST once (if not more than once) in their lives. Sometimes even straight boys who exhibit any effeminate behavior get picked on   If you are being harassed, here are some "real world" solutions you can do if you aren't out. If you are out, I have some solutions for you too. If you aren't out, you can't bring your parents to school and tell them what's going on because I know how uncomfortable that would be. However, there is no rule that says that you cannot anonymously go to the principal's office and explain what happened, without having anyone call home. Or, you can handle it by yourself. If you can't fight for your life, then I suggest walking away. Its going to happen again, to be sure. You just have to ignore it. When college rolls around, you'll find people exactly like you and be happy. Its 
worth the wait! Don't ever feel as if you are less than they because of this. They are the people who don't count in your life.  Ok. Now here is the best advice I can dispense: If you ARE out, and this happens, you can actually have FUN with this. If someone comes up to you and starts in a mocking tone, suggesting that you and he go out on Saturday, pretend that you are serious, and then start asking him what time he wants to pick you up. He'll probably walk away grossed out. I have never gotten into a conflict over this method, and I have gained a lot of respect for my quick comebacks. It shows that I don't take this too seriously. Having the right attitude can be everything. If you act offended, they will keep doing this. 

Q. I think I am gay. Could this be a phase?

Yes.  Though likely that it is not, I was told by a sociology teacher that something like 80% of men have a homosexual experience. We certainly know that 80% of men are not homosexual. During puberty, most boys tend to have homosexual thoughts. Granted, however, that you might not know until you are out of your pubescent years, but here are some things which you can use to determine your sexuality. If you ever masturbated thinking of men, you are probably homosexual or bisexual. If you would not mind spending the rest of your life with a member of the same sex, you are probably at least bisexual. If you constantly see yourself "scoping" out members of the same sex, again, chances are that you are at the very least bisexual. If none of these signs fit with you, then you might be going through a phase. However, if according to these signs, you AREN'T going through a phase, do not be depressed. We know that it's tough, and might even be a shock when you first realize it,  but you'll work through it...millions of other boys (and girls) have before you.  There is nothing wrong with your homosexuality. It is a natural part of you which needs to be acknowledged. You are going to have to live with this part of you for the rest of your life, and at least you know early, so you can work on accepting it.  Most importantly, knowing or recognizing that you're gay, does not change you as a person in any way.  You're still the same beautiful, wonderful person that you've always been, 

Q. I was drunk at a party and made out with another guy. I thought he was straight but now I am not sure. What do you think?

Well, to start off, I do not know this person so I can only speculate. First off, most people who lose judgment while being under the influence still  have their limits; someone wouldn't do something which he normally would not do if he were sober. Being drunk is an easy way for people to experiment and  then say "oh, well I was drunk, so it doesn't count." At least you are now empowered with the fact that they KNEW what they were doing. It has always been a popular excuse among jocks to get drunk and fool around. In the 
morning, they pass it off as being something they had no "control over."  These are probably the same people who will harass YOU later on. Anyway,  getting back on topic (hehe) you might confront that person if it was an  enjoyable experience, who the heck knows what that could lead to. 

Q. I want to come out to my parents. What is some advice which you can give?

A. First, the most sacred rule in coming out is determining if it is going to be more harmful than helpful. In other words, are you going to get disowned, or kicked out, or accepted. If you think that your parents are going to be strongly opposed to this, here is some advice. Come out to only some very close friends. That way you have the experience of coming out, but you don't have to worry about where you are going to sleep tomorrow night. It is best that you come out after you are on your own, and can support yourself.  If you think that your parents are going to be "cool" with it, then telling them can be a great service to you. You'll feel tons better about your identity, knowing that you don't have to hide it. It's a bold step, and a difficult one.  Let us know your stories.  Email brent@kurfew.com.