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YOU have the best chance of helping!

Submitted By: Jeff
Date: March 24

In Answer To: Help! Boyfriend has severely abusive parents! (JD)

From the sound of it, these parents should be locked up. However, I've come to learn that there's always two sides to the story, and it isn't clear whether your boyfriend's parents are treating him that way because he's gay, or if he's been a difficult child for other reasons.

Regardless, your question reveals your sensibility about doing what's best for your boyfriend. "Call the cops" is the reaction from friends seeking a nice, quick solution, but as you noted, it seldom works out better for anybody that way.

You are the best person who can help your boyfriend right now. If you love him, you will be his strong supporter and help him through this and your boyfriend will be very fortunate to have you by his side.

You should begin with trying to help him get along better with his parents. I've given advice to people with mean, bitter parents as simple as "Buy her a loving card on Valentine's Day" that has worked wonders. Or tell him to make breakfast for his parents. Or do something unexpected (e.g. clean the kitchen? make a small gift?) Even when the child professes that he absolutely HATES his mother (or father) sometimes acting the opposite why (How would I behave if I LOVED my mother) can actually bring on the benefits of such an ideal relationship, or at least begin the process of mending. Your boyfriend might be uncooperative in such a "scheme" but if you're persuasive enough, there's really nothing to lose by trying this. In fact, if your boyfriend is serious about seeing a positive change in his relationship with his parents, I feel very strongly that this would be a very successful strategy.

If you can allow your boyfriend to stay with you for periods of time, you should do that. It will therefore be important for YOU to keep a good relationship with the parents so they will allow that.

If the above fails and your boyfriend is once again facing a significant amount of abuse, he should hint to his parents that he might report them. This is risky since it might set up an even more polarizing situation. But it might give the parents pause to the severity of their abuse.

Finally, I'd advise you to refer your boyfriend to a social services person. Perhaps you can begin looking under "Family" or "Youth Services." This will allow a professional to assess and monitor the situation. You obviously would be kicking yourself if the parents wind up killing him because nobody took any action.

Questions In This Thread

• Help! Boyfriend has severely abusive parents!
  JD -- March 21
  • YOU have the best chance of helping!
    Jeff -- March 24

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