Ask Jeff & Anthony

Re: Coming out

Submitted By: The Kurfew Krew
Date: September 23

In Answer To: Coming out (Jake)

Thank you for sharing your story, and I can imagine how challenging this must be for you. First, I want to acknowledge the courage it took to come out to your therapist—that’s a major step in your journey, and it’s not easy. I understand that you’re feeling conflicted about telling your mother, especially considering her past reactions and the fact that she will soon be one of your professors in medical school.

Given that your mother will play a role in your academic life, it’s completely natural to be cautious about coming out to her at this moment. The power dynamic between you as both family and in an academic setting could complicate things. It makes sense to hold back, especially since her reaction to your stepfather’s coming out was difficult for her, and you’re concerned that she’s still processing those emotions. It’s important to remember that her reaction to him may not reflect how she’ll react to you, but it’s absolutely okay to wait until you feel ready and more secure.

Do you feel the need to come out to your mother because she is someone very close to you? Could you start with some close friends or perhaps trusted relatives instead? Having others to talk to might make waiting a bit easier. Coming out to someone who is supportive could help relieve some of the emotional burden and give you a sense of security. You don’t have to begin with your mom, especially if the timing doesn’t feel right. Sometimes having a few people in your corner first can make the conversation with her less daunting when the time comes.

It sounds like your mother has already started to recognize that some of her previous comments were intolerant, and that’s a good sign that she’s capable of growth. It’s understandable to want to wait until she’s in a better emotional place, especially since she’s still dealing with her reaction to your stepfather. Letting her have more time to heal and adjust might make for a more understanding conversation in the future. Right now, focusing on yourself and your own emotional health is the priority.

When you do feel ready to tell her, approaching her from a place of empathy, acknowledging her past hurt but also standing firm in your own truth, could help open a thoughtful conversation. But again, you’re on your own timeline, and there’s no rush to force the issue. If you feel more comfortable waiting until you’re in a more stable place, that’s completely valid.

In the meantime, you’ve already taken a huge step by coming out to your therapist, and that’s an important part of your own growth. If you feel that starting with other trusted people in your life—close friends or relatives—would give you the support you need, that could help you build a foundation of acceptance before having the conversation with your mom. Having others to talk to can ease some of the pressure, so you don’t feel like you’re carrying this alone.

There’s no timeline you need to follow, and it’s okay to take your time. When you do decide to tell your mother, you’ll be able to do so with confidence and support behind you. You’re already making great progress, and you deserve the space to come out when and how you feel ready. Trust yourself, and know that the right moment will come when you’re comfortable with it.

Questions In This Thread

• Coming out
  Jake -- January 21
  • Re: Coming out
    The Kurfew Krew -- September 23

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