Ask Jeff & Anthony

Re: Most confusing boy ever!!!

Submitted By: The Kurfew Krew
Date: September 23

In Answer To: Most confusing boy ever!!! (Jupiter_Jon)

It sounds like you’ve been carrying these feelings for a long time, and it’s completely understandable that you’re searching for closure. Balancing your emotions while protecting your friendship is no easy task, especially when it feels like your friend is giving you mixed signals. The fact that you’ve prioritized the friendship shows a lot about your character and your care for him.

First, remember that friendships are invaluable. Sometimes, when strong romantic or emotional feelings are involved, it’s easy to overlook just how meaningful and rewarding a close friendship can be. Losing that by pushing too hard for a relationship that might not be reciprocated could be a big risk. You’ve already taken a significant step by sharing your feelings in the letter. While his lack of a clear response is frustrating, it may indicate that he’s unsure or uncomfortable with the conversation right now.

One thing to consider is that as much as you may believe you friend is gay, you really have no idea what is truly going on in his head. Your friend might consider himself to be straight, and as such, he may not feel the need to explain anything. Just because he shows deep care and affection doesn’t necessarily mean that he sees your relationship as anything other than a close, platonic friendship. People express closeness in different ways, and sometimes we misread signals based on our own feelings. He may not even realize the extent to which his actions are impacting you emotionally because, from his perspective, everything is purely friendly.

On the other hand, like many people, your friend could be somewhere in the middle when it comes to his sexuality. Human sexuality is a complex and fluid experience for many, and he may not be fully ready to confront or label his own attractions. If he is still in the process of understanding his own identity, it’s possible that he doesn’t know how to approach this situation or communicate his feelings. It’s important to keep in mind that even if he is attracted to other men, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s attracted to you in that way, so that's another important thing to appreciate. Being close with someone, no matter the bond, doesn’t automatically translate into romantic interest.

Another layer to this is that sexuality and personal identity are influenced by many psychological, religious, cultural, and social factors. For some, it takes time to understand and be comfortable with their own feelings, especially in environments where sexuality might be taboo or challenging to explore openly. Your friend might be navigating his own internal landscape and isn’t ready to fully think about his attractions, let alone articulate them to others.

In terms of timing, you’re close to booking a trip to visit him in Japan. My suggestion would be to wait until he’s back from Japan before bringing up the letter again. Let him enjoy his time abroad without the added emotional pressure of this conversation hanging over him. Use this time to reflect on your own feelings as well. Do you want to pursue this conversation because you’re seeking closure for yourself, or because you still hold onto the hope of a romantic relationship? These are important things to consider before you decide to reintroduce the subject.

When he returns, you can revisit the conversation if you still feel it’s necessary—but approach it from a place of seeking understanding, not pushing for a specific outcome. If he may not be comfortable with his sexuality today but may be more comfortable in a few years, what would be the purpose of "closure" for you? Let him know that you value the friendship above all, and would he mind taking some time to discuss the letter so you can move forward, whatever that may look like for both of you. If he still resists or wants to run from the conversation, simply respect those wishes. When it comes to human emotions, feelings, etc. things can't always be neatly wrapped up.

In the meantime, focus on your emotional well-being. Friendships are complex, and even when romantic feelings are involved, they can still be fulfilling without needing to become something more. Surround yourself with supportive friends and activities that bring you joy. You deserve to feel loved and valued for who you are—whether that’s through a relationship or through the deep, meaningful friendships you’ve built.

Whatever happens, take things one step at a time. You’ve already shown a lot of courage by sharing your feelings, and by handling things with patience and care, you’ll find a way to move forward with clarity.

Questions In This Thread

• Most confusing boy ever!!!
  Jupiter_Jon -- March 5
  • Re: Most confusing boy ever!!!
    The Kurfew Krew -- September 23

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