Ask Jeff & Anthony

You need to do some serious evaluating...

Submitted By: Jeff
Date: October 8

In Answer To: Husband says he's bi...should i stay or should i go? (Lillmiss)

Wow, this is a complex situation. I'd definitely recommend the guidance of a professional counselor, but I'll certainly share some of my ideas with you:

You say you love your husband. And he says he'll do anything to stay with you. So you both seem to want to be with each other. That's certainly a good sign.

You say he's lied to you many times...what is he lying about? Is it always about these fantasies, or is he lying about other things as well? If he's lying about these fantasies, I would say there's an understandable reason for that: after all, you said you were hurt to find out he had fantasies about men. But if he's bisexual (as he's admitted) it's probable that he's had many many fantasies about men. That's nothing you should feel bad about, that's just the way it is. Virtually ALL married males have sexual fantasies about other women, and that's a fact, though few would admit this to their wives. So the fact that your husband had and is having fantasies about men should be neither surprising, nor particularly worrisome, unless he's telling you this because he wants to or plans to act on his feelings.

For a bisexual to be in a relationship with a single sex is just as easy as anyone else. Yes, he may be attracted to more individuals than you are, but the fact is that he can be faithful to you...being bisexual means he's attracted to both sexes, but not that he must ACT on more than one person.

Now, if he's gay (rather than bisexual), that's a different issue. If he's not physically attracted to you, but is physically attracted to males, it would seem hard to be able to justify a continued relationship.

The bigger issue seems to be this other potential love interest in your life. There will always be others who may seem like better mates than your current one. But obviously you can't just jump after each of them...there's a reason, after all, that you got married! And now you have kids to think about! The problems with the car and other maintenance issue don't necessarily have anything to do with your husband's sexual orientation. Have you asked him why these things aren't being taken care of?? What's his response???

The way I read your email, it seems you are almost looking for an excuse to perhaps become more involved with this other individual. And that's something you should consider very carefully. Unless your husband has indicated or cannot stop himself from acting on his feelings (and essentially cheating on you), than I would suggest you see how far you can reconcile with him and improve the relationship you both have. If the thoughts become action, or must become action, then are in every way justified to reconsider your marriage, and move on if you must.

Please let me know how it goes!

- JEFF

Questions In This Thread

• Husband says he's bi...should i stay or should i go?
  Lillmiss -- September 12
  • You need to do some serious evaluating...
    Jeff -- October 8
    • How can I trust him?
      lilmiss -- October 10
      • Work on the relationship first...
        Jeff -- October 10

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