Ask Jeff & Anthony

Why the obsession with appearing straight??

Submitted By: Jeff
Date: January 10

In Answer To: Can I accept gay feelings without being gay??? (Questioning)

From your post I would categorize you as bisexual, perhaps even leaning towards being gay. And it seems that you likely display some of the stereotyped characteristics of a gay male, or you wouldn't have been so teased in incidents at school and work.

You're asking how to "come to terms" with this same-sex affection without acting on it. First, let me state that the concept of same-sex interaction as being "gross" is the result of your societal and cultural upbringing. Since you've admitted you have had "love" towards other males, should you actually pursue a physical relationship with another male, this "grossness" would quickly dissolve into the reality of genuinely fulfilling your physical attractions.

With that said, I'll answer your question: The best way to come to terms with your attraction to males without acting on it is to simply accept yourself for who you are. Whether that's by internally accepting yourself as an "effeminate somewhat-straight person," or even as a "bisexual guy who only dates girls." Ideally, you'd be able to share (if not now, then eventually) this identification with your close friends. And you would have no problem having or associating with gay friends. The struggle to hide your affections or suppress your natural personality characteristics, however feminine they appear, is wasted energy that only furthers your self-oppressing behavior and results in the anguish that you're experiencing. Being true to yourself, when you're finally able to do it, will be quite a liberating experience.

I understand that there may well be cultural differences due to your location in Hong Kong that would make it more difficult to act on the advice I'm giving you (versus if you were in Europe or in the USA). But Hong Kong is still liberal by Asian standards.

Nowadays in the USA I'm still surprised at how often I come across young straight males who do not have any problem admitting they've had same-sex fantasies and/or experiences. They're fully and totally comfortable with their sexuality, and that leads to happier and healthier lives. I suggest you give up on trying to force yourself to be something that you're not, and begin to live the life of the person you are!!!

Good luck!

Questions In This Thread

• Can I accept gay feelings without being gay???
  Questioning -- January 3
  • Why the obsession with appearing straight??
    Jeff -- January 10

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