Ask Jeff & Anthony

Don't feed him more stereotypes...

Submitted By: Jeff
Date: March 5

In Answer To: Don't gay boys need the touch of a girl??? (J)

There seems to be far more behind your letter than wanting to "help" this 18 year old friend of your daughter. There are also some inconsistencies that make me doubt some of the "facts" of your letter, including the story of the two boys who allegedly committed suicide after finally accepting who they are because they found life unsatisfactory. But I'm going to get "straight" to the point.

The reason for most gay suicides is rooted in the lack of acceptance and understanding by society. Loneliness and lack of sex partners are all issues that ANY teenager faces, whether straight or gay, but those problems usually pale in comparison to the potential threat of rejection by family, peers, etc. And the internet has brough far more opportunities than ever before for young gay people to find each other. We get dozens of emails from couples from all over the country who have thanked us for meeting through the Kurfew Personals system.

Making the recommendation that your daughter's gay friend needs the "touch" of a girl would throw this exact rejection and misunderstanding right in the face of this boy. Whether you realize it or not, you're applying your own stereotype that a male-female relationship is somehow more meaningful or legitimate, or that only a female can provide comforting human contact, which is wrong. That same stereotype is what prevents American straight boys from showing the kind of emotion and tenderness that many so desperately need from their male peers. In fact, in many parts of Asia and Europe, such heterosexual male contact is much more accepted.

Gay boys will instinctively and easily befriend females, and there's obviously already a friendship in place between this boy and your daughter. Should he feel some pressing need to initiate touch, carress and massage with your daughter or another girl, that's his business and more power to him. What's more likely is that the thought of too much intimacy with this girl might be quite an "icky" concept. When I was finally coming to terms with my sexual orientation, I can assure you that the last thing I needed or wanted to hear was "you need more contact with girls." I sure had enough contact with girls, including a serious relationship, and that did nothing to alleviate the intense loneliness I had as a closeted teenager.

The answer for me was finally coming out, and receiving the support and acceptance of my family, friends and other wonderful people around me. This boy has made the huge step of coming out, and now the best way to help this boy is to be fully and totally accepting of who he is and what he feels. Be an affirming positive force and you will help make this boy's life glow. Hope that helps and good luck!

Questions In This Thread

• Don't gay boys need the touch of a girl???
  J -- March 5
  • Don't feed him more stereotypes...
    Jeff -- March 5

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