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HELP

Submitted By: Angel
Date: 1/13

I really need help. I am a 15 yr. old female and have been gay for almost two years now and only my closest friends know. I havn't even told my parents but my mom has found a hell of a lot of letters from previous and current girlfriends and has told me that if she was to ever find out that I was gay that she would just literally beat the ##### out of me and I am scared because she has had a history of doing that anyways when she gets mad. I really want to come out in the open with her and everyone else, because beside the fact that she gets agressive when she gets mad which is hardly ever we are still close and I am sooo tired of hiding this and having to deal with myself everyday keeping all of it bottled up inside. This has been going on now ever since I finally acknowledged to my self and accepted the fact that I am gay (two years ago) and it has just caused me sooo much pain and turmoil to where I started self-mutilation badly. I really want to tell her but don't know how to approach her about it considering what she has told me she would do to me, I mean she jokes about it w/ me jus playing around but I have never come out and said mom I'm gay because of me being so afraid of her and my father, him completely hating gay people. I mean I can't even go spend the night at any girls house for the fact of my mom suspecting that I will ##### her or something. It is very hard for me to have a girlfriend and try to have them over or go where she's at w/out my mom knowing. I just want her to at least know about it so I wont have to keep running around worrying about having to hide things everyday and keep them stashed away so she won't find them. She is very very unfair,strict and religious and has been on me for the past year and a half i would say,ever since she began to find letters, because I met a girl whom I became best friends with and fell love w/ and began to see and my mom went crazy and has kept us apart eversince she has had a slight suspicion about me. She has everyone in my family completely resenting me because of this. Suicide has entered my mind so many times and I have attempted it, this is just so overwhelming and I don't know how to deal with it. I just feel like I'm not living up to her expectations and when she finds out she is really gonna go off on me and not just speaking and screaming and cussing, i also mean physically. I constantly stay depressed and down I really need help and I saw your site and I though finally a teenager who might understand. I know you get a lot of mail but I am begging you to please give me some thought...

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