Ask Jeff & Anthony

It depends on your mutual understanding...

Submitted By: Jeff
Date: August 2

In Answer To: Is Cuddling Cheating??? (Cuddler)

"Cheating" is just what is sounds like: It's breaking the rules behind your partner's back. But the rules are those defined by the two people in the relationship. So whether or not it's "cheating" depends on what kind of "agreement" you have with your boyfriend. In all likelihood you have never raised the issue of "cuddling with others" with your boyfriend, and so your best bet is to go with your instincts. If you feel you did something wrong (and the very fact that you wrote in suggests you're feeling something may not be quite right) it suggests that you may indeed have broken some "unspoken" rule between you and your boyfriend. It might help to imagine how you would feel if your boyfriend was cuddling with someone whom you knew that he was sexually attracted to. Depending upon your own personality and constitution, you may feel anything from happy acceptance, to jealous rage!

Some couples, gay or straight, have an explicit understanding of what's acceptable and what's over the line. Ironically, it seems that the more liberty partners give each other, the more confidence they express in the strength of their relationship...and that typically helps their relationship overall. For example, I know of a couple who allow each other to kiss other boys, but nothing more. Therefore, kissing boys other than each other does not constitute "cheating" for this couple, because they would still be living within their own defined rules. I don't advocate this for everybody, but it certainly always helps to keep an open mind that negotiation and flexibility are key to successful, long-lasting relationships.

In your case, I think you should stop cuddling with your attractive friend unless you're prepared to bring the subject up with your boyfriend. And doing that may well damage your relationship if he's the "jealous rage" type. Or, he might be willing to say that it's OK...provided that HE can cuddle with his attractive friends!!! But if you don't feel you can bring it up...that's probably the strongest signal that the cuddling is "breaking the rules."

Questions In This Thread

• Is Cuddling Cheating???
  Cuddler -- August 2
  • It depends on your mutual understanding...
    Jeff -- August 2
  • Something is not right
    Anthony -- August 2

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